A stepmother fills an ambiguous role in an already complicated family dynamic. Especially if she has no biological children of her own, a stepmother finds herself in an environment where she is expected to fill the role of caregiver and homemaker, all while being constantly reminded that she will never truly be a 'mother' to her husband's children.
India's family dynamic is changing. With divorce rates slowly increasing, remarriage is becoming more common. However, a stepmother walks into an already broken family. Remarriages have a low success rate, with 60-70% of remarriages breaking down within a few years - higher if children are involved.
The reason, argues Dr Geeta Maheshwari - author of a new book on stepmothers - is that there is a cultural image of the "evil stepmother", and Indian society has no concept or support for stepmothers. "No one wants to talk about this issue. With remarriages at an all time high, we have to prepare to carve a place in society for stepmothers," she explains.
"I married late in life for companionship, and remember assuring my adult stepdaughters that I would not trespass on their lives and that we could be friends. But they did not see it that way," remembers Sunita Sharma (name changed). "They were convinced I was intruding on their household and their personal lives. When my oldest stepdaughter married, the household dynamic got so toxic that I moved out. I gave more than a 100% in the relationship and in fitting into the family, but my stepchildren never changed their opinion of me."
The stepmother is a natural outsider, seen as the 'father's wife' rather than 'another parent', and any attempt at stepping into the role of mother can be bitter opposed by children who do not want their biological mother to be replaced.
Experts say the first step to a successful remarriage is preparing the children for the impending change in their lives. Their anxieties and sense of betrayal must to be addressed, if need be, by a counsellor.
The husband has to play a major to play in making it work, says Maheshwari. "Men are more fathers than husbands when they remarry," she points out. If the husband respects and backs up the stepmother's decisions in front of his children, her position will be cemented. As a father he has to prove to his children that they are loved and cherished, but if that means putting them before his wife or spoiling them in an attempt to cover his guilt over a divorce, a healthy family dynamic cannot be reached.
The husband is, in the end, the middle-man and his support and effort to create a relationship between his children and new wife is crucial in making a remarriage work, says Maheshwari.
For a woman, remarriage can be a rewarding process, providing love and nurture to kids who aren't biologically her own. Despite a cultural stereotype working against them, as long as there is a social awareness and support, and women are aware of what struggles lay ahead, it can be an enriching achievement.
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