​Just as nice when dad plays mom

NEW DELHI: Raghu doesn't like being called a nurse. "Call us brother, not nurse," he says. He considers himself a 'helper' and not a caregiver. Manish is a dancer in a local dance troupe, but doesn't like playing a woman in the performance . He prefers doing numbers based on Lord Shiva instead. "Shiva is macho and wears only rudraksha jewellery . I am comfortable with that," he says. These young men's dilemmas were documented by Centre for Health and Social Justice as part of a 2011 study to understand issues that men face in alternative professions.

The study focused on 19 men from Delhi, Lucknow and Pune, and found they had conflicting feelings about being in professions usually associated with women. Masculinity has its own set of stereotypes that men are pressured to conform to. For instance, male classical dancers, flight stewards, gynaecologists and designers are still seen as 'different' from the lot. One of the study's key conclusions was that men can and do exhibit a range of 'caring' behaviour . Global research shows men have a fraught relationship with the idea and practice of care. "Caring is widely perceived as a feminine task and so its practice, whether within families or in other social settings such as nursing, teaching and others, connotes a certain de-masculinising for men," says filmmaker Rahul Roy, who's worked extensively on masculinity. This is not to say men are not caring; they are, but often don't want it acknowledged, he adds.

Mumbai-based Men Against Violence and Abuse (Mava)'s helpline for youth gets calls from metros including Delhi, seeking help on what constitutes the right 'reaction' . "We had a case of a man who was on a date with his girlfriend when some men passed lewd comments at her. He confronted them but didn't get into a physical fight. When the girl told her friends of the incident, they said he didn't do enough. This created stress in his mind," says Mava's Harish Sadani. Interestingly, the study found that many believe violence can discipline. Many justified violence to make their sisters toe the line. They said if their sister were to date a 'bad' boy, they'd ask her not to do so. If she didn't listen, they'd have no option but to beat her. How men view violence is a challenge for those engaged in breaking male stereotypes. There's societal sanction for the 'protector' to use violent means.

If at one end, activists are helping boys understand gender roles, at the other many are shattering the stereotypes all on their own. Husbands are working from home, taking care of children and household responsibilities. It's a choice men are making with their partner's support. Manodeep Guha (40), with an international labour rights organization, works from home and takes his 5-year-old daughter along when travelling. Guha's wife works for a trade union federation and and travels extensively. His schedule involves getting his daughter ready for school, dropping her and bringing her back from school, helping with homework and putting her to sleep."I think it comes naturally to everyone. It doesn't require you to adapt," he says. Guha is not alone, but among a growing tribe of men choosing to play the primary home-maker .

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